Stories of Survivors

I was 10 years old.

I was at my grandparent’s when my grandfather said we needed to take a walk. When we returned from our walk my biological father was at the house.

I hadn’t seen him in over three years.

He picked me up and hugged me and kissed me. He told me he loved me and he had missed me.

We spent that day together and later that night he came in my room to tuck me in. He told me to lay down on the bed and he would pull the covers up.

I laid down but he didn’t pull the covers up. He just stared down at me. Then his hands moved up my legs. He got on top of me and started kissing my neck.

He whispered “give daddy a good night kiss” in my ear.

But when i kissed him he shoved his tongue in my mouth. I tried to push him off but he was much stronger than me. I went to scream but he covered my mouth.

He told me if I loved him I would let him love me. He told me this is what people do when they love each other.

I said okay.

But then he started touching me and I got scared. I tried to get away but he told me if I didnt hold still he would kill me. He took a knife out of his pocket and laid it on the bedside table to show me he wasnt kidding.

Ill never forget waking up the next morning covered in blood and bruises.

I remember getting in the shower and literally scrubbing my skin raw because i felt so dirty.

I still do that sometimes because even after six years, I still feel dirty.

Nightmares of that night haunt me. I cant stand to have guys look at me without being afraid.

I dont think anyone could ever truly love me.

Even if they could i dont know if i could let them.

I dont know what love is anymore. Love to me is pain and dirtiness. Its regret and fear.

I never saw my dad again after that day.

My mom married a wonderful man who has always treated me like his own daughter. He is so nice to me. I hate to see the look on his face when I flinch away from him.

I never told my mom or anyone else.

For six years I’ve kept it a secret.

Not anymore.

People know what you did to me now daddy.

People know how you ruined my view of love and scarred me forever.

People know what a monster you really are