Stories of Survivors

I’m 17, and I was raped in front of a group of “friends” by a (then) 21 year old back in May of 2011. I didn’t know how to process it, and ended up continuing to hang out with them (including my rapist) because I denied that it happened to me because I was drunk and nobody who witnessed it cared or thought he raped me. It wasn’t until July that it hit me and I blocked all contact with them, and started going through the whole coping process of what had happened to me. I have weird “triggers”.  And usually what triggers me is mentioning their names/hearing about them, loud music blasting from cars, and this one shopping area that they all frequent constantly. I can not walk into the Wal-Mart there, because I start to feel sick, and I think one of his friends will be there and tell him where I am, or he’ll be there, or one of the kids who watched will, so I freak. I found this out when my mom and I went there, and told her when we got in the car. She got annoyed, but said she wouldn’t take me there again. This was about two months ago, and today, she asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart with her. The Wal-Mart they go to isn’t the one we go to, so I said sure, only to find out she decided to go to the one that makes me freak out. I reminded her of this as she parked, and she screamed at me and said that “this whole trigger thing over Wal-Mart is ridiculous” and that I’m just being a drama queen. She went inside alone, and when she got back in the car about thirty minutes later, said that I have no reason to act like this over the store, because a lot of people go there, and told me that my rape was no big deal and that her rape was way worse (she was raped when she was my age), and basically demeaned everything about what happened to me, almost like I wasn’t even raped to begin with. I started sobbing and screamed at her to shut up, and she flipped, and started telling me I’m a “piece of shit bitch” and that she’s going to kick me out as soon as I turn 18, which is in May. I don’t know what to do… and now I’m back to feeling like I wasn’t raped, like I’m just making it up, like I’m just some drama queen and completely worthless. Is that even a valid trigger? I feel so sick and horrible right now, I don’t even want to live anymore. I wouldn’t mind slashing my wrists right now, I don’t even think it would hurt as much as it could at this point.