Stories of Survivors

Save a life, Save yourself.

This Valentine’s Day will mark the 4 year anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself.

I feel like I should write some long post about how things of changed or I’m glad I didn’t go through with it any of the five times or how my life’s better now. And I could. I honestly might. But in the end it comes down to this:

Suicide is not the answer.

It is not the answer, for anyone. Whether you’ve come to that point because you are tired of being depressed, forgotten, and abused or because your life is so chaotic that you feel like the only thing you can control is yourself: Don’t.

Please. I am honestly begging any and all who read this. I know what it’s like to be so tired that everything seems pointless. The kind of tired that gets in your bones and your soul. The kind of tired that sleep and food won’t help, the kind of tired that just makes you want to die because that would mean a change - it doesn’t even matter if it’s for better or for worse, just a change. 

I’ve lived day to day on the thought of “going through the motions”. I’ve just laid down and slept because nothing else seemed worth it and at the very least you’re unconscious. I’ve been to the point where you don’t dream. Where everything you see has lost color and is dull.

There had come a time where I felt so lost and so alone that I stopped. I was too tired, too broken so why bother. I know what it feels like to think that the only way to prove to people you’re in pain and are not okay is by cutting or simply killing yourself.

I’ve been to the point where it seems like no one is listening, no one cares. Where people just simply didn’t believe me because I “seemed okay”. Where no matter what I did to better myself, it wasn’t good enough.

Now, I could sit here and write about how “everyone is beautiful no matter what” or that “everyone is smart in their own way”. But here’s something people need to realize:

Not everyone is beautiful. 
Not everyone is talented. 
Not everyone is smart.

But:

Everyone matters.
Everyone is important.
Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy.

So maybe instead of throwing some generic bull shit that makes you sound like you don’t give a damn about the person who is suicide, you can actually pay attention and talk with them. Just because on a grander scale their problems don’t seem that bad, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt them and might be dire. They are important so help them.

When people who are suicidal and/or depressed don’t talk about what is bothering them? That means they’ve basically made up their mind about everything and it’ll take a great deal more than one conversation to help them. But, if they’re still willing to talk about what is wrong? That means they need it and they don’t want to stay that way. It doesn’t automatically mean they’re “seeking attention” or that it isn’t real. It means they’re afraid for themselves.

I’ve lived a life of bullying, of abandonment, of neglect, of pain. Fortunately my depression was situation/environmental but I have grown up and seen what chemical depression is like as well. That is something people need to realize too:

Chemical Depression: there is a chemical imbalance in the brain and body. They physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot feel happy and healthy. There can be moments of small joys but in the end it fades quickly and there seems to be no point. People who are depressed for a long time, especially if their depression started young usually have this kind. They need to see a doctor as soon as possible to get medical attention. (And I don’t mean go to a mental/psych ward or the “looney bin” a regular family doctor will be able to help at least get you on some sort of medication.) Also, this kind of depression will be helped with medication and cannot be fixed any other way. If the medication doesn’t ever seem to help no matter the dose or type with therapy then it might be the second type. When it comes to suicide, it as seen as “I am too tired, too broken and I want an out - I want an escape - I want to end this”.

Situational/Environmental Depression: this type of depression can either be temporary or long lasting. It can be triggered by an event or gradually become more of a problem over time. There will be up swings when it seems like they are happy again and they very well could be healthy again if they stay that way. But if it drops back down, that means there are changes that needs to be made. Also, they can be happy, they are physically, mentally, and emotionally able to be happy while in a depressive state. If they go to the doctor and have tired countless doses and medications and the depression does not change or gets worse, it means that it is not the actual person’s fault - it’s the setting, family, friends, school and/or work that is the actual problem. For them, medication is a temporary fix and therapy may not be necessarily. This is when the people speak out more and want help, they hate being depressed and want a change. When it comes to suicide, it as seen as “I cannot control anything else in my life other than myself and my body”.

Bi-Polar (Manic-Depression): this can be confused with situational/environmental depression but is a chemical imbalance in the brain and body. Though it can mirror s/e depression here is the biggest differences: the “happy”/”healthy” times are not that - they are Manic, meaning: frantic, eccentric, energetic and impulsive. Also! “Bi-Polar” does not mean they change their moods at the drop of a hat, they do not switch between being depressed and manic in seconds. Bi-Polar mood swings go in sort of waves, the highest point being the manic peak, the lowest point being the depression drop. And the space between the Peak and Drop is over time. Sometimes within seven days, sometimes within a few weeks and in are cases, a few months. They need to see a doctor as soon as possible to get medical attention. (And I don’t mean go to a mental/psych ward or the “looney bin” a regular family doctor will be able to help at least get you on some sort of medication.) This deal with body chemistry so it cannot be fixed without medication.

A friendly reminder: People can have depression or bi-polar but that doesn’t make them who they are. When it’s situation, it is something they have to realize and adapt their lives to make it healthier for themselves. When it is chemical, it is an illness that they’ll have to manage for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t control them, but will be there - just like needing glasses or being a diabetic.

There is one thing that will always be true: It Will Get Better. Maybe not right this moment, maybe not even in the next few months, but it will.

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If you are suicidal or are afraid you are going to hurt yourself, please call 911 or your local hospital. 

If you or someone you know are showing signs of depression and need help,talk to your parents/legal guardian, a school councilor/adviser.

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Also, if you know someone who is cutting or harming themselves in any way, tell someone. Even if they make you promise not to tell, please tell someone who can help them (a doctor, police officer, parents or school adviser). Because, what if you don’t and they accidently go too far? You could have saved their life.

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If someone would like to talk to me personally or has any questions here:
E-mail: BeautifulThornBeastlyRose@aol.com
   DeathAngelsRose@aol.com
AIM: BeautifulThornBeastlyRose
Skype: Beautiful.Thorn
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