Stories of Survivors

Submisson

I was fifteen when it happened. Or guess, when it happened again. He was my ex boyfriend, and we still had feelings for one another. He was physically attached and I was attached emotonally,  though I hate to admit that I was. he was older than me, by a little more than three years. I trusted him. I realize now how he manipulated me. He controlled me, our relationship, who I talked to. He pressured me to do things I had never thought of, things that made me feel disgusted with myself.

We were sneaking around, my mother didn’t approve of him since we broke up. She had read through my text messages and, realizing how forceful he was, she refused to allow me to see him. I should have listened to her, really. But I didn’t. I snuck out one night and he picked me up. We drove to the parking lot of my elementary school that is located down the street from my house. In the backseat of his car, we were kissing and fondling and doing loving, appropriate things that a fifteen year old should be doing. But he took it to far. I still have yet to write down the details I remember from that night. Sometimes it’s blank, and sometimes I feel almost engulfed by the memories. I remember clearly him asking me if I wanted to have sex. And I remember saying “no.” He respected it. But later on, he didn’t ask me if it was okay.

He just did it. And I didn’t say anything, I guess. I can remember digging my recently filed fingernails into the soft, charcoal grey velvet of his backseat. I also remember when my hands changed their position, placing my palms on his back. This tiny action has haunted me since. In consensual sex, a woman would do this. I fear that it reassured him that what he was doing was okay. It wasn’t wrong. I wanted it as much as he did… The pitted-patter of rain on the car roof; my cell phone vibrated from where he had tossed it somewhere in the front seat; lyrics from the song he had playing from his ipod car stereo - barely registering in my mind at the time, sometimes the tune of the song, “Samson” by Regina Spektor, plays in the back of my mind. It took me so long just to remember the name of that song. Now I just wish I could forget it..