In Kindergarten, during nap time, the ‘snobbish’ girl demanded I sleep in her sleeping bag with her. I was very shy anti-social and sensitive at the time, so I immediately did as told. While doing so, she reached into my jeans and just played around. I didn’t even know what she was doing but I knew it felt funny. I told a friend off-handedly and by her reaction, I knew I had to tell the teacher. So I did. And that was the end.
Then. When I was 6 or 7 my family and I lived in an apartment complex, and everyone was very close. the family above us were, and still are, very good friends of ours. A girl my age who’s name rhymed with mine was my best friend. Every night we’d sleep over at each other’s apartments. Every oncd and a while, though, when we shared a sleeping bag or camped out in her mom’s closet, she’d make me play this game, ‘husband and wife’. She’d always be ‘the wife’, have me put my hands on her chest and in between her legs. Every once and a while it’d reverse, though. But then it was over when we moved two years later.
First grade, there was a rather eccentric girl that people sort of ignored. I befriended her, though, because she’d payed attention to me. I remember being in line in the hallway as her hands creeped up the back of my shirt whispering ‘Doesn’t that feel good?’ Eventually she started inviting me over. During the day she’d tell me that we’d touch each other later. At night she’d kiss all over me, play with every inch of my body. She’d asked if I wanted it, and I remained quiet. She did as she pleased. Later she became frustrated with me when I didn’t do the same.
Seven years later, in a completely different house, town, school, I wake up crying in the middle of the night and tell my parents everything. It was never mentioned again.
Two years ago, at age 13, a currently really good friend of mine asked if I wanted to sleep in the same bed. She would never do something like that. But I was so scared and I panicked, never telling her why. She thought something was wrong with her, and as we dated briefly, I still didn’t completely trust her.
I know my story isn’t as heartfelt, compelling or anything. I was young and didn’t know. But I do know the empty feeling, the ostracized feeling, the aloneness that follows you. I can say that it gets better in time. I’m still working on coming to terms with it, but it’s different for everyone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll call my friend and tell her why I freaked…